Happiness.

  Sometimes, it's the simple things in life. That makes life worth living. The simple act of kindness, love and giving. It's the thoughts of wanting to make the people you love happy. It's seeing your love ones smiles. It's cuddling your pets. It's spending your day doing the things you love. It's the simplicity of just relaxing and having a meaningful chat with someone that you love. Or even, the serenity of silence.

It's all the simple things that makes me happiest. It's all these things that makes me feel like the luckiest person. It's these things that make me feel the most grateful for all the wonderful things that are blessed upon me.

And I thank everyone that gives me that happiness. Something I can never buy. Something that I will always cherish. Happiness can be simply achieve. It's just how you perceive happiness. At the end of the day, it's not the materialistic things, it's not the gift itself that matters. It's the act of that person giving you that gift that means the most.

It's the act of giving and seeing how that person smiles. And just from that, it's pure happiness that you will get. It's really just how you see happiness.

You never know.

  Don't we all wish to be able to know a person's feelings full well? You know, so we aren't clueless of everything. So we don't always have to wonder. Knowing someone's feelings would be the greatest solution to so many goddamn problems in relationship, won't it? 

I sure as hell wish that I'm able to read someone feelings. Especially for me, I'm someone that tend to over think so much and I tend to think of the negative. And I really love to know the truth. I rather the truth than pleasant lies. I'm just that person. I hate not knowing for sure. 

I hate to have doubts. I hate that I need to constantly wonder on whether shit is true or not. I have just seen enough to know not to just believe words. Because people can be rather sly. People always say things they don't mean. People always lie. 

How are you suppose to just simply believe when someone tells you they love you? How are you suppose to believe when someone tells you they won't do this or that? I myself, have said things that I didn't mean. Countless times. Everyone has done that. It is bound to happen. There's just hardly a person that tells only truth. It's almost impossible. 

I really wonder, what it the key factor that makes a person believe something. Because it's believable? Because you want to believe? Because you choose to believe? 

How do you know, when someone tells the truth? Is it the sincerity in their eyes, is it the way they say it, is it because you're sure the person won't lie to you? We can only assume, we can only trust the person that says whatever they say, we can only believe. All these can't prove for real whether they REALLY mean it or not. 

So what makes us feel it is true? Actions? The things they do, maybe? The act of affection, I suppose. You know, just like how when you love someone; you just want to hug them so tight and never let them go? And that would make you think when someone hugs you tightly, does that really mean that they love you? Does affection means that they really love you? 

You'll just never know for sure whether they really mean it or not. You just have to take that leap of faith and trust what they say. That is why love scares me so much. You just stand there, let all your guard down, love that person whole heartedly and hope he/she does the same. And if he/she doesn't, what is left for you? Hurt. 

Doesn't that just sound so goddamn scary? Of course, looking at the bright side, if they feel the same, you get to be able to spend your life with someone you really love. And that itself, is the greatest joy. 

I guess it's just the game of love. How you have to just simply hope for the best. Because you know, it's either you break up with this person or you end up spending the rest of your life with him/her. And that is very frightening. 

Hope.

  There are some things, that I've longed for a very long time. Those days were the longest. Day by day I just wished I could get it. Eventually though, I lost hope. I lost all faith that it would happen. It was a rather devastating experience. But I moved on with life like it didn't mean a thing.

Once in awhile, I would be reminded of how much I wanted it last time. But I never got it. And it still felt terrible then. It never occurred to me that now, I would have already gotten the things that I wanted more than anything that little 2 years ago. It's so, unexpected.

I guess, good things do come to those who wait. And now, more than anything, I do not want to lose this. After everything and I've finally got what I wanted. That sense of relief, satisfactory and happiness. It's hard to describe. You just want to grab hold of it and never let go.

I took the chance again, not knowing why was I chasing it again. Because the last time I did, nothing happened. The last time I did, it felt horrible. Doing the same thing all over again, but it's different this time. This time, I got what I wanted. And I want to have this, for as long as I can.

It's pretty simple, you know. It's just, life can be a dick sometimes. But don't give up hoping because you never know, no matter how long it takes, you may just get the thing that you want. Because I lost hope. I lost every little bit of hope in me. And I regret it so much now. If only I had knew.

So trust me and don't stop hoping. Because the feeling once you get it; is amazing.

Picture perfect.

  I wish I can take pictures with my eyes. Or pictures that sees what I see. So many beautiful simple moments where I just wish with a blink of my eyes I can capture those moments. The beautiful sights of the day to day life. 

There's so many beautiful things, it's really just how you perceive it. Everyday. Like seeing your dogs sleeping peacefully, like seeing your love one beside you. Just simply seeing how wonderful the simple things are. 

I suppose, memories are the best pictures I can get. Though, memories just aren't all that clear most times. 

Alone.

  There are times when I like to be alone. A time to just filter everything, to think about life, to simply just enjoy the company of myself. It's therapeutic in a way. Although I do like to have my dogs with me most of the time. Since they're just such a cute sight.

Being alone is a great way for me to reflect upon the things that happened or is happening. I for one, has always been quite the introvert. Things are always kept to myself, I guess I like to keep it that way for some things.

Listening to great music, is always one of the best ways to unwind. The completely let go and enjoy the beautiful melodies sung. Coldplay is one of my utmost favourites. 

Well, I've come to understand that part of me nowadays quite enjoy other people's company. Because sometimes, feeling and being alone; is rather sad. Being alone is a great thing. Just, definitely not always. 

Mundane.

  Life is a crazy roller coaster ride. Recently have been on a high streak. It's been fun, absolutely memorably and just simply pleasant. Although after it all, it all collapses back into the usual mundane feel.
I was never one to enjoy meeting people and socializing. And recently I guess it's safe to say that things have indeed took a turn for the better. It's great to meet new people nowadays.

I suppose the things that happens is all for good reason. It's been a great time.

Writing.

  I guess writing is one of the best way for me to express how I feel. I've always been one who can't express my feelings well, especially directly talking to someone. Either I'm lost for words or I simply mess it up and end up saying things that isn't right. 

And so having this blog here, makes me feel a lot better. Writing the feelings I have that have never been told to anyone gives me a big sense of relief. I always keep things to myself, all the thoughts that run through my brain stays in there. I guess it's pretty unhealthy to do so. I still do talk to people that are closest to me about a lot of subjects that are close to my heart but seldom about my own feelings. And even if I do, it's just a tiny portion of it. 

Growing up, I was always the quiet one. My brother is the out going joker type and my sister is the friendly sweet bubbly girl. I suppose it was because I felt people wouldn't want to listen. That they are uninterested. Every time I tried to speak up, nobody listens. I used to never defend myself and now, if anyone does try to mess with me, I don't hesitate to stand up for myself. I guess doing a lot of self reflection has made me treat myself better. But I still have tons to improve on in regards to treating other people. That's for sure. Well anyway, I have realized that the people that love me do in fact care. So I do try my best to let them know how I feel. 

It's funny though, speaking of letting people know how I feel about things. When it comes to certain topics, I'm hell of a talker. I'm the type of person that really enjoys having meaningful long talks. Those means a lot to me. I love having a few close friends that I can really talk about everything and anything. I'm extremely lucky to have people like Jun Xiang, Jamie and Joel. They are like brothers and sister to me. They understand me and I feel extremely comfortable around them. They are the ones I know that I want in my life even after years and years. 

Not forgetting my wonderful family. Not many people can talk to their family as if they're friends. And I have that privilege. I love my family. We may not be a proper family or whatsoever, we have had our hard times but it has created an extremely strong bond between us and I truly feel grateful for that. To be able to talk to my mother about everything and anything is such a great thing. 

The fact that I have grown up this way, has definitely did some good sculpting to me as a person. Of course, there are the bad things. But for the good, it is definitely worth it. So the conclusion is, I'm grateful for the life experiences that has been given to me. And I'm sure there are much much more to come. 

I'm thankful for having wonderful people who love and support me regardless. You guys know who you are. Thank you all. =) <3

I will do my best.

Lovely.

I'm often referred to as a bitch. I guess I really am. I'm far from being someone lovely and soft spoken. I'm anything but that. Looking around at other people, I wonder how they can be so... lovely. I suppose I just do not possess that. I'm the total opposite of one's usual perception of a nice lovely girl.

I say the meanest things, I cuss a lot, I act like a boy, I'm not cute nor do I speak in a sweet way. I simply can't act like a lovely girl, can I? And what's the point of trying that when it doesn't change how people treat me. It's all the same. But I think to myself, why should I change myself to be like majority of girls. The sweet, lovely, soft spoken, cute girl.

Although I'm this way, I suppose the good thing is that I won't be like this if I don't feel comfortable around the person. Yet why can't I just cut down on those. It should be easy.

Why should I be that when most people are like that. I don't want to be the same. Yet at the same time, I wish to have the privilege to be looked at, as a lovely girl. I confuse myself. Am I supposed to be myself or change to be of a acceptable girl that I think is. I find both wrong. Highly wrong.

I suppose I have to find the balance. I feel too weak and downright disgusting when I'm girly and lovely. When that happens, it's almost the same as passing someone else a knife and asking them to stab me with it. That's how I feel. And if I'm too mean, rude, out spoken, straight forward I feel as though I'm a girl that is simply unpleasant to be associated with.

How can I find the balance? Simply put, I'm everything but a lovely girl. Yet I hope, that it isn't necessarily a bad thing. I suppose change is still in fact, necessary.

The good in the bad.

  One of my life rules is always to find the good in the bad. Because there's always good in bad and vice versa. Depending on what it is applied on, let's say murder or rape that sort of stuff, there really isn't a 'good'. But the fact is, it was a 'good' thing towards the person that committed that act. Well of course, good absolutely does not mean it is a right thing to do. There's a big difference.

It definitely makes more sense to apply this on specific things rather than everything and anything. And when I think about it, apply it onto the correct things, it really makes my perspective change.

Instead of looking at something that was bad, finding the good out of it makes the life experience much more worth it and I don't feel as bad.

And just today, it makes me realize so much that I never actually thought would be good. Having something negative and finding the positive aspects is the way to go. Well, that's for me at the least.

It makes me as a person much less negative. That's because when there's a bad thing, I just simply look at it as; a bad thing. Now that I look at things with a different approach, I can say it's much easier to deal with.

So tabby, here's a note to self. Make sure you keep to this and always remind yourself to find the good in the bad.

Sure.

There are just some things one have to be sure of. Things that you KNOW you're gonna achieve. The things that you would look back at how you once wanted so desperately but never thought you could get it.

It doesn't have to be said out loud. It doesn't have to be proven to anyone else. It doesn't have to be judged by someone else. For this, it's not for others to decide but yourself.

I'm sure, I am going to get those things one way or another. Whatever that comes and go, it's for sure that it is going to happen. No matter what. That's it.

That's how it will go.

Rejection

I remember when I was younger I used to be so afraid of asking someone to borrow me something. I would pace around considering the what ifs of whether or not the person would reject me of my request. I would get so nervous and my heart would beat really fast. I only realize now that I had feared rejection. And I still do now, only that it's of another sort.

I am so afraid of people saying no to me. Or people pushing me away. I hate the feeling of rejection. Up to now, there are still countless times whereby I want something or times that I want to say something that I feel but nothing comes out. And at the end I end up with regret, self hate and sadness.

On top of that, I do/say exactly opposite of how I actually feel.

And add it up, all that always without fail, lead me to fucking up some of the things that would now make me understand how important it is to say exactly how I feel and what I want regardless of the reply.

Yet, whenever I do that I feel weak, downright pathetic and stupid. But all that goes away eventually, because the times when I get the reply I want, it feels absolutely wonderful.

Today.

  Today, what had seem to be a day of laziness have turned out to be of productivity. A day to do what should have been done days ago. Things done today may seem of small value but in fact when tomorrow arrives, your perspective would be completely different. 

16 May 2013

Time to revive this blog and blog about my everyday life, hopefully everyday. It's nice to just rant about nothingness and look back at it years later and realize how much I've changed. I suppose that's the best things about blogs.

So here I am, once again. Down with fever. It's always like this. Once it's nearing my birthday, I will ALWAYS get fever. How saddening. Well on the bright side, I'm recovering well and I will be having dinner with my family tonight for my birthday! Always looking forward to spending time with everyone together. We hardly get the chance for everyone to gather and have quality time so whenever it's possible we definitely seize the chance.

For now, I shall go ahead and nap for an hour or so! Bye for now.