Rejection

I remember when I was younger I used to be so afraid of asking someone to borrow me something. I would pace around considering the what ifs of whether or not the person would reject me of my request. I would get so nervous and my heart would beat really fast. I only realize now that I had feared rejection. And I still do now, only that it's of another sort.

I am so afraid of people saying no to me. Or people pushing me away. I hate the feeling of rejection. Up to now, there are still countless times whereby I want something or times that I want to say something that I feel but nothing comes out. And at the end I end up with regret, self hate and sadness.

On top of that, I do/say exactly opposite of how I actually feel.

And add it up, all that always without fail, lead me to fucking up some of the things that would now make me understand how important it is to say exactly how I feel and what I want regardless of the reply.

Yet, whenever I do that I feel weak, downright pathetic and stupid. But all that goes away eventually, because the times when I get the reply I want, it feels absolutely wonderful.