Lovely.

I'm often referred to as a bitch. I guess I really am. I'm far from being someone lovely and soft spoken. I'm anything but that. Looking around at other people, I wonder how they can be so... lovely. I suppose I just do not possess that. I'm the total opposite of one's usual perception of a nice lovely girl.

I say the meanest things, I cuss a lot, I act like a boy, I'm not cute nor do I speak in a sweet way. I simply can't act like a lovely girl, can I? And what's the point of trying that when it doesn't change how people treat me. It's all the same. But I think to myself, why should I change myself to be like majority of girls. The sweet, lovely, soft spoken, cute girl.

Although I'm this way, I suppose the good thing is that I won't be like this if I don't feel comfortable around the person. Yet why can't I just cut down on those. It should be easy.

Why should I be that when most people are like that. I don't want to be the same. Yet at the same time, I wish to have the privilege to be looked at, as a lovely girl. I confuse myself. Am I supposed to be myself or change to be of a acceptable girl that I think is. I find both wrong. Highly wrong.

I suppose I have to find the balance. I feel too weak and downright disgusting when I'm girly and lovely. When that happens, it's almost the same as passing someone else a knife and asking them to stab me with it. That's how I feel. And if I'm too mean, rude, out spoken, straight forward I feel as though I'm a girl that is simply unpleasant to be associated with.

How can I find the balance? Simply put, I'm everything but a lovely girl. Yet I hope, that it isn't necessarily a bad thing. I suppose change is still in fact, necessary.