Writing.

  I guess writing is one of the best way for me to express how I feel. I've always been one who can't express my feelings well, especially directly talking to someone. Either I'm lost for words or I simply mess it up and end up saying things that isn't right. 

And so having this blog here, makes me feel a lot better. Writing the feelings I have that have never been told to anyone gives me a big sense of relief. I always keep things to myself, all the thoughts that run through my brain stays in there. I guess it's pretty unhealthy to do so. I still do talk to people that are closest to me about a lot of subjects that are close to my heart but seldom about my own feelings. And even if I do, it's just a tiny portion of it. 

Growing up, I was always the quiet one. My brother is the out going joker type and my sister is the friendly sweet bubbly girl. I suppose it was because I felt people wouldn't want to listen. That they are uninterested. Every time I tried to speak up, nobody listens. I used to never defend myself and now, if anyone does try to mess with me, I don't hesitate to stand up for myself. I guess doing a lot of self reflection has made me treat myself better. But I still have tons to improve on in regards to treating other people. That's for sure. Well anyway, I have realized that the people that love me do in fact care. So I do try my best to let them know how I feel. 

It's funny though, speaking of letting people know how I feel about things. When it comes to certain topics, I'm hell of a talker. I'm the type of person that really enjoys having meaningful long talks. Those means a lot to me. I love having a few close friends that I can really talk about everything and anything. I'm extremely lucky to have people like Jun Xiang, Jamie and Joel. They are like brothers and sister to me. They understand me and I feel extremely comfortable around them. They are the ones I know that I want in my life even after years and years. 

Not forgetting my wonderful family. Not many people can talk to their family as if they're friends. And I have that privilege. I love my family. We may not be a proper family or whatsoever, we have had our hard times but it has created an extremely strong bond between us and I truly feel grateful for that. To be able to talk to my mother about everything and anything is such a great thing. 

The fact that I have grown up this way, has definitely did some good sculpting to me as a person. Of course, there are the bad things. But for the good, it is definitely worth it. So the conclusion is, I'm grateful for the life experiences that has been given to me. And I'm sure there are much much more to come. 

I'm thankful for having wonderful people who love and support me regardless. You guys know who you are. Thank you all. =) <3

I will do my best.

Lovely.

I'm often referred to as a bitch. I guess I really am. I'm far from being someone lovely and soft spoken. I'm anything but that. Looking around at other people, I wonder how they can be so... lovely. I suppose I just do not possess that. I'm the total opposite of one's usual perception of a nice lovely girl.

I say the meanest things, I cuss a lot, I act like a boy, I'm not cute nor do I speak in a sweet way. I simply can't act like a lovely girl, can I? And what's the point of trying that when it doesn't change how people treat me. It's all the same. But I think to myself, why should I change myself to be like majority of girls. The sweet, lovely, soft spoken, cute girl.

Although I'm this way, I suppose the good thing is that I won't be like this if I don't feel comfortable around the person. Yet why can't I just cut down on those. It should be easy.

Why should I be that when most people are like that. I don't want to be the same. Yet at the same time, I wish to have the privilege to be looked at, as a lovely girl. I confuse myself. Am I supposed to be myself or change to be of a acceptable girl that I think is. I find both wrong. Highly wrong.

I suppose I have to find the balance. I feel too weak and downright disgusting when I'm girly and lovely. When that happens, it's almost the same as passing someone else a knife and asking them to stab me with it. That's how I feel. And if I'm too mean, rude, out spoken, straight forward I feel as though I'm a girl that is simply unpleasant to be associated with.

How can I find the balance? Simply put, I'm everything but a lovely girl. Yet I hope, that it isn't necessarily a bad thing. I suppose change is still in fact, necessary.

The good in the bad.

  One of my life rules is always to find the good in the bad. Because there's always good in bad and vice versa. Depending on what it is applied on, let's say murder or rape that sort of stuff, there really isn't a 'good'. But the fact is, it was a 'good' thing towards the person that committed that act. Well of course, good absolutely does not mean it is a right thing to do. There's a big difference.

It definitely makes more sense to apply this on specific things rather than everything and anything. And when I think about it, apply it onto the correct things, it really makes my perspective change.

Instead of looking at something that was bad, finding the good out of it makes the life experience much more worth it and I don't feel as bad.

And just today, it makes me realize so much that I never actually thought would be good. Having something negative and finding the positive aspects is the way to go. Well, that's for me at the least.

It makes me as a person much less negative. That's because when there's a bad thing, I just simply look at it as; a bad thing. Now that I look at things with a different approach, I can say it's much easier to deal with.

So tabby, here's a note to self. Make sure you keep to this and always remind yourself to find the good in the bad.

Sure.

There are just some things one have to be sure of. Things that you KNOW you're gonna achieve. The things that you would look back at how you once wanted so desperately but never thought you could get it.

It doesn't have to be said out loud. It doesn't have to be proven to anyone else. It doesn't have to be judged by someone else. For this, it's not for others to decide but yourself.

I'm sure, I am going to get those things one way or another. Whatever that comes and go, it's for sure that it is going to happen. No matter what. That's it.

That's how it will go.

Rejection

I remember when I was younger I used to be so afraid of asking someone to borrow me something. I would pace around considering the what ifs of whether or not the person would reject me of my request. I would get so nervous and my heart would beat really fast. I only realize now that I had feared rejection. And I still do now, only that it's of another sort.

I am so afraid of people saying no to me. Or people pushing me away. I hate the feeling of rejection. Up to now, there are still countless times whereby I want something or times that I want to say something that I feel but nothing comes out. And at the end I end up with regret, self hate and sadness.

On top of that, I do/say exactly opposite of how I actually feel.

And add it up, all that always without fail, lead me to fucking up some of the things that would now make me understand how important it is to say exactly how I feel and what I want regardless of the reply.

Yet, whenever I do that I feel weak, downright pathetic and stupid. But all that goes away eventually, because the times when I get the reply I want, it feels absolutely wonderful.