Surprise!!!

Wow, I don't know where to begin! Around 11plus, Christian told me he was otw to pick me up and I thought it was just like any other day where I'll go to his place and chill but after we got there and he said "I wanna go smoke" then I'm like okay sure then he said "But I wanna go smoke beside the pool, can sit and chill" and it was a bit fishy but I brushed it off anyways.

Then when we were walking there, down the steps to the pool all of a sudden I just hear a bunch of people start to sing Happy Birthday and I'm holy cow what the hell is going on! I was literally shaking and then it dawned upon me.

I am so so touched for everything and I really really appreciate it so much that you guys put in so much effort to surprise me!!

Special thanks to :

JAMJAMWUV <3
Thank you so much for organizing everything and acting so well to keep the surprise from me saying "oh I'm sorry I can't throw you a surprise party this year or something" and secretly you were!!! Thanks for helping to clean up as well!! I'm so thankful to have you and thank you so much for putting in so much effort and everything! Love you!!! xx

GERMAN BEAR :>
Thank you so much my love for organizing with Jamjam and keeping it from me and all! You did a good job acting like "oh tonight I'm gonna cook you dinner" hahaha! Thank you for making sure that I was happy throughout. I love you so much and thank you for everything. <3

Joel Ma CHIGGA!
Thank you for cooking all dem food and all the effort you put into the surprise as well! Since I wasn't there beforehand I'm not sure what the hell happened but I'm pretty sure you did a ton of things so thank you so much, really appreciate you just being there! And thanks for helping to clean up da shit! You know how much I love ya!!!

JAKE MY JTABS! 
Thank you for staying all the way and helping us clean up and cooking the food and simply just being here! Thank you for the present as well, I love it, you know me so well hahaha!!! JTABS!

And thank you so much to my bro and Christopher for lying that 'you guys are gonna go drink with papa' I REALLY FELL FOR THAT. Thank you to Scottie(I really didn't expect to see you!), Wei Zhuang(Thank you for coming down even though you needed to go home early!), Kenneth(Thank youfor coming down!!), Shanice(Thank you so much peanut for the present I love it so much!!),  Flame(Thank you for coming down!!), Aeo & Eugene (Thank you both for teaching me how to tread water you guys!!! :3)

I'm so touched and really didn't expect anyone to plan anything for me! I really had so much fun, getting thrown in the pool, watching people get thrown in the pool, watching people throw themselves in the pool. It was so much fun! Once again, thank you all!!! I had such an amazing time, I hope you guys did as well!

In life, as a human being, you just naturally would prefer people to like you. You want them to like you. Of course, you can't expect the whole world to like you. But people of importance or that you think you need 'approval' from, like your partner's family, your boss for example.

We just want them to like us, because what a pleasant feeling that is. But sometimes, we worry so much we start to lose ourselves. We start to doubt our own abilities and we start to blame ourselves for the things we put upon ourselves wondering whether they like us or not.

It starts to weight on you and you start to feel you aren't any good at all. You pinpoint all your flaws and you just feel absolutely horrible about yourself. The thing is, you've never felt good about yourself in the first place.

In my situation, every single fucking day I am doubting myself. I don't feel good about who I am and what I'm doing and it eats me up inside. I can't stand another day having all these thoughts before I go to bed and waking up remembering what I thought of the night before.

I hate myself. I have nothing to be proud of. I let others around me down and I let myself down. My birthday's coming up and I feel so stupid for celebrating it because what is there to celebrate about? I'm nothing. I shouldn't be celebrating the birth of me when I have done nothing good and nothing worthy of celebration.

It's really stupid of me. Because I have someone that loves me, for who I am. I have a best friend that accepts every part of me. I have a family that loves me unconditionally, no matter how many times I fucked up. But why, why do I feel so shitty? Why is it that the more people tell me "I could've chose someone else, someone working, someone successful in life but I chose you" the more I feel I am a total worthless piece of shit.

And I hate that I'm here, whining like a little baby because rather than doing that I should be out there, chasing my dreams and doing something about the life my mother had given me. I want to do great things. But before I can, I have to work hard. No one gets it easy in life unless you're paris fucking hilton.

I just wish I could get my ass up and do something about my own fucking life for christ's sake. Why can't I just go to school and do all the things normal people do. Why can't I just sit in class and focus like everyone else. Why am I incapable of doing the simplest of things?

What is the true meaning of life? What is considering really living?

Growing up, going to school, getting into a university, getting a degree, getting a great job, earn lots of money, driving an awesome car? That sure is what everyone tells you, education links to money, money links to happiness. I loathe that so much.

It feels so surreal. 

I can't believe how much things have changed in these few short years. 

Everything that happened has lead me to you.

And now, you're mine to call my own. 

You. 

You matter so much to me now. 

I still can't believe how much I love you. 

I still can't believe how much you love me. 

Which path are we to take? What direction are we to go?

Everything is a mess. None of us really knows what we are going to do.

Not one of us know what we can do. There's so many issues to deal with.

What am I to do.

Sleep deprived.

9.09PM - Sleep feels so fucking far away. I have no idea what I'm feeling. I have a mac with me, good music, I have food, I have everything I need. And somehow I feel fucking amazing. :>

Choices.

 This couple of days have been well, I can say rather life changing. After a long while of running away from my problems I've finally come to face them and to really find a solution. There's just been a lot of important decision regarding my life and what direction I want to go.

And honestly, for the first time in a long while I finally feel like I have a plan and that I like it. After all these years of just muddling through everyday just hoping I can get through to tomorrow, I finally feel like I know what I want. 

It's a bit frightening and I have absolutely no idea whether I'm making the right decision or not but it's definitely better than going through day by day doing absolutely nothing. I finally feel happy and motivated to do something. 

Right now, I'm happy. I have my family, the person I love, my amazing friends, my dogs; I am content and so goddamn thankful. I know I have people who support me and that really means so much to me. It feels so wonderful to know that people love me and I really want to do everything in my power to make them happy too. 

Life to me now, I'll just live in the now because I really have no clue what let's say 3 years is going to change and by the time I am 18 I wonder where I'll be and what I'll be doing. But I know I want to be happy. Which is what I want to be now. I don't want to force myself to do something I don't like. I want to enjoy life. 

I really do hope the choice that I'm making is right, for me at least. 

4/4/14 - 5/4/14

Drinks, amazing people, midnight swim. One of the best nights ever.

Happy.

 I just feel so extremely happy. So happy that I have you. So happy that I get to be the one to say I love you, to you. So happy that I can be a reason for you to smile. That I am someone that you love. I'm so happy to be the one that gets to say good night to you every night.

Because it's the little things that means the world to mean. It's every thought of you in the middle of the day that gets me feeling so grateful that I have met you. That I have you in my life and I am damn sure I'm not letting go.

You make waking up from a good dream something good because finally my reality is better than my dreams. Waking up and knowing you're there is just such an amazing feeling, knowing I love you and that you love me. Wow.

Words tend to fail me, and I'm running out of them. But I just wanted to say I'm so thankful for you. And that I love you.

Friday, 28 March 2014

 Friday, 28 March 2014. One of the best memories ever. Having an amazing dinner at a nice place with the people I love. Awesome conversations filled with laughter. That's what I call happiness.

Something that fills the heart.

 You know the feeling of something filling your heart? Not the suffocating way instead in a way that makes you feel complete. In a way that makes you feel hope and makes you feel alive again. The months and months of emptiness just disappears and you feel, love. 

You're afraid, of how absolutely wonderful this feeling is because every time something wonderful happens, next comes along the bad. But somehow, something inside tells you it's all going to be worthwhile. Something tells you taking a leap of faith and trusting your heart is right.

And if you don't, you know you're going to regret not chasing after love. Because love itself is what makes one whole, what makes one's life worth living and what makes one truly happy. 

Just a little something.

The soft brush of your hair against my face as you breathe into my neck.
The touch felt upon our fingertips as you slide yours across mine.
The sound of our beating hearts and the rhythm of our breath.
The depth of your voice and strength of your grasp.
All that was felt at that moment could never leave my chest.
For the feeling of love and hope is one never to forget.