Tabbyellie

In life, as a human being, you just naturally would prefer people to like you. You want them to like you. Of course, you can't expect the whole world to like you. But people of importance or that you think you need 'approval' from, like your partner's family, your boss for example.

We just want them to like us, because what a pleasant feeling that is. But sometimes, we worry so much we start to lose ourselves. We start to doubt our own abilities and we start to blame ourselves for the things we put upon ourselves wondering whether they like us or not.

It starts to weight on you and you start to feel you aren't any good at all. You pinpoint all your flaws and you just feel absolutely horrible about yourself. The thing is, you've never felt good about yourself in the first place.

In my situation, every single fucking day I am doubting myself. I don't feel good about who I am and what I'm doing and it eats me up inside. I can't stand another day having all these thoughts before I go to bed and waking up remembering what I thought of the night before.

I hate myself. I have nothing to be proud of. I let others around me down and I let myself down. My birthday's coming up and I feel so stupid for celebrating it because what is there to celebrate about? I'm nothing. I shouldn't be celebrating the birth of me when I have done nothing good and nothing worthy of celebration.

It's really stupid of me. Because I have someone that loves me, for who I am. I have a best friend that accepts every part of me. I have a family that loves me unconditionally, no matter how many times I fucked up. But why, why do I feel so shitty? Why is it that the more people tell me "I could've chose someone else, someone working, someone successful in life but I chose you" the more I feel I am a total worthless piece of shit.

And I hate that I'm here, whining like a little baby because rather than doing that I should be out there, chasing my dreams and doing something about the life my mother had given me. I want to do great things. But before I can, I have to work hard. No one gets it easy in life unless you're paris fucking hilton.

I just wish I could get my ass up and do something about my own fucking life for christ's sake. Why can't I just go to school and do all the things normal people do. Why can't I just sit in class and focus like everyone else. Why am I incapable of doing the simplest of things?

What is the true meaning of life? What is considering really living?

Growing up, going to school, getting into a university, getting a degree, getting a great job, earn lots of money, driving an awesome car? That sure is what everyone tells you, education links to money, money links to happiness. I loathe that so much.