Honestly, I don't even know.
Why do I feel everything and at the same time nothing at all. It's the image of a tsunami rushing straight at me and I feel calm, too calm. As if all of these don't even matter and if I had none of it, I would be fine. I'll be alright. But will I happy? Am I even happy now?
I don't feel a sense of urgency and I don't think I ever will. But I simply can't stop thinking about it. It's right there, every minute of every day and I can't help but think. Yet it feels so temporary. Will I always feel this way? Or will this disappear and I'll be able to live my life in content.
Why don't I have a clear idea of what I want. I have every single fucking thing right in front of me right now and yet something feels amiss. It's no longer fulfilling and I don't know if it's something I want.
It's all just mindfuckery and if I had a choice maybe I wouldn't have had it the same way. It seems as though it affects me so much but I really would be fine without any of it. Maybe I should really take a step back and get a fucking grip.
How do I know what's the right thing to do? It feels as if it's a painted ceiling, of the sky and clouds and it's beautiful to look at; but it isn't real and you know that. It's easily appreciated though.
